This post was originally published in December, 2010.
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
If you are like me, you’ve spent most of your life – if not all of it – putting the needs and wants of others first before fulfilling your own.
Without getting into the (perhaps very sad and personal) ‘whys’ and ‘where-fors’, or too bogged down in psychobabble and vague self-help platitudes, let’s just say that’s the way it was. For way too long.
It’s the dawn of a new era.
The time to put yourself first (gasp!) is now.
Even if you’re only beginning to do this at midlife, it’s not too late to take the time to explore and assess your talents and gifts, deciding what you really want and how you’re going to go about achieving it, and then just GOING FOR IT. Even if it means starting something completely new and out of the realm of what has been familiar or comfortable to you (job-wise and in your personal life).
This is no easy feat, as you already know having come this far.
If you’re a lifelong people-helper, this might prove to be the most challenging, frightening, frustrating, exhilarating, but freeing adventure of your life.
It’s scary focusing on you for a change.
You’re probably very good at solving other peoples’ problems and catering to their needs and wants, but squirm at the thought of too much self-reflection. You feel ridiculous somehow; it seems egotistical or selfish to focus on yourself and to ‘indulge’ in the pursuit of what would make you feel the most fulfilled.
Doing what you were always meant to do can feel like too much fun.
Fun? Is that even allowed? Don’t give in to the guilt and run and do something more ‘worthwhile for others.’ This is worthwhile!
You’ve read it all thousands of times, in countless variations:
“Give yourself permission”
“Be kind and/or gentle with yourself”
“Love yourself”
“You deserve to follow your dreams”
Maybe the reason it’s written so often is because ‘they’ know we need it drilled into our self-sacrificing, stubborn selves many, many times before we finally accept it may be actually true and act upon it.
Did you grow up in a family and community (where you work, where you play) where you constantly felt like the odd duck?
Maybe you were never meant to be a duck, but a swan all along!
I love the story of the Ugly Duckling. Can you identify with his surprise when he discovers others of ‘his kind’ settling onto the pond around him, when he sees his reflection in the water and recognizes that he’s a swan?
Not a duck after all!
Can you relate to the joy that swells in his heart, the relief, the sense of release and freedom, along with a comforting sense of belonging, of being ‘known’ when he is reunited with the other swans?
To think he believed he would be always be an outcast, destined to endure the loneliness always ( and ever so stoically) – misunderstood, ridiculed and rejected despite his best and most loving efforts to fit in as a duck.
Likewise, we need to step forward and ‘out of hiding’ – from avoiding nurturing yourself while needing to do everything for everyone else, from a job or damaging relationship that is sucking the life force out of you, from your social isolation, from time-wasting, brain-numbing activities that keep you endlessly ‘busy’…
The list goes on and on, doesn’t it?
Stepping out from the shadows and claiming who you really are and what you want to do is an important decision.
Continuing the awkward but fruitful journey forward, making progress and creating/producing tangible and specific work from this intention is what you are now called to do.
What life ambition or important goal do you have yet to accomplish? Please feel free to share how you’re progressing in the Comments section.
I just love your blog! I knew I shouldn’t have opened it just now b/c it ALWAYS leads me far, far away from whatever I was doing and deeper into your blog posts. The word “blog” doesn’t do your content justice as every article is so SUBSTANTIAL, if that makes sense. Real, authentic, useful, and interesting information – that doesn’t = a blog, does it? There should be another name for that type of information
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Oh my, Kristin, thank you for all these compliments! I can’t tell you how important and encouraging your words are to me. Seriously, I’m blushing and almost stumped at how to respond LOL.
All any of us creatives can do is offer what we have, believing we can contribute to making a positive difference somehow. I’m so happy you’re getting so much out of the content I offer here (and a teeny bit sorry you are distracted from your own work as you explore the other posts I’ve written). I appreciate the feedback that I’m on the right track here.
I’m sure your art and your work will serve to inspire and have significance to many as well, and I so look forward to all the wonderful art you’re going to bless this world with.
Thanks so very much for stopping by. Ok, tears in my eyes now
It’s so interesting to read this a year later. My favorite line is this: “Maybe the reason it’s written so often is because ‘they’ know we need it drilled into our self-sacrificing, stubborn selves many, many times before we finally accept it may be actually true and act upon it.”
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned from Jill Badonsky is the importance of reminders. Yes, we “know” all this, but do we really remember and believe it when the time comes to put it to good use? Maybe you could set it up so this reposts automatically every so often so we can all remember the great lessons here! ;-D
Charlotte’s point is such a good one, too. When we’re doing obligatory things, it saps our energy for our creativity. If we do our creative work first, it gives us energy for the obligatory stuff. Note to self: Remember that!
Sue Mitchell recently posted..Why You Should Take a Chance on Your Creative Dream
Yes, I’m usually reticent to repost, but this still seemed so relevant. Besides, back then I think only my hubby and Cinnamon were reading my blog
I love Jill Bodonsky and her work (as you and other readers know by now). It’s such a ‘load off’ to realize there’s another way to get our goals realized other than mentally flogging ourselves.
I’m inspired by your suggestion, Sue, and might make myself a Reminder Poster, using the affirmations I cited in this post. I’ll give you a copy for your bulletin board if you’d like. Thanks again for offering such valuable idea-building comments!
Hi Patrick,
Thanks for the wonderful feedback as always. I think you and I are the same in that we are really hard on ourselves. I put myself through the ringer too often, and it suffocates my creative potential. I’m starting to get wise to this, and I’m just showing up and trying to move forward and do the work anyway, regardless of those feelings of self-doubt.
I completely agree with what you say about only looking forward, and I know what it’s like to look back and lament (what we perceive as) lost creative time. I do know that what you are offering the world now is inspiring and amazing, and I’m so very excited about all that comes next.
I decided to post this again because it speaks of what I’m (still) struggling with. I struggle to give myself full permission to work significantly on my own creative dreams, and find myself doing what I think is expected of me instead. Thankfully, I finally do know some people who have basically encouraged me to believe those two pursuits may very well be one and the same calling.
Great post. I always tell my writing students to put their work first because when you do, something magical happens–everything else falls into place and somehow gets done. (I think its because you have so much energy you’ll do whatever it takes to finish your to-do list.) Same thing with putting yourself first. Somehow, it will all work out. You might not now how, but it will.
Charlotte Rains Dixon recently posted..The Writing Process: Letting Go
Oh Charlotte, how I appreciate you and your insight! I’m thinking of that ‘pay yourself first’ concept with financial planning. Maybe investment in our creative work is the same. I always thought it was being self-indulgent and neglectful (not to mention a little narcissistic lol) to put my creative dreams first. But I’m starting to see that maybe carrying out those dreams first might actually give me more opportunity to help others in a richer way anyway as well…
Well, Carole Jane, it should come as no surprise to you that this post really spoke to me. It’s interesting it posted originally in December 2010, right at the time I left my last job to focus on creative writing and further education. I hadn’t discovered your blog yet at that point, but I would have loved this post if I had. I still beat myself up sometimes for allowing the creative me to be dormant for so long, but there’s only merit in looking forward, not back. I like all the quotes, particularly “Give yourself permission.”
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